BuzzStoc

Free speech is one of the most important rights granted by The Constitution, but you can always count on the Democratic National Convention to take this right to weird places. No, we’re not talking about the mini-Gitmos known as free speech zones, we mean those costumed, loud, and often baffling people who take it upon themselves to protest. Before you go thinking this is a partisan thing, let us say that the DNC attracts headcases of all political affiliations (as well as people with legitimate grievances, but who cares about them?). With that in mind, here are the worst offenders.

1. People in dead or bloody costumes

Ok, we get it, you’re dead. A lot of soldiers and civilians have died in Iraq, it’s tragic, and we all agree that something needs to be done. Now please go make a sign like a semi-normal person.

2. People who go toe to toe with the cops

It looks like this fellow was planning his encounter with the police, wearing a mask and goggles to protect against pepper spray. Hey dude, when that cop that looks totally pissed slams his baton right into the middle of your drealocks, let us know how well those goggles protected you.

3. People who act like they’re at a parade

Look, we’re sure that was some really stony shit you smoked right before you headed to the DNC, but if you turn down the Phish album and pay attention you’ll realize you’re at a serious political event and not a street fair. Now please put your shirt on.

4. People selling useless crap

The drive to turn a quick buck is what has made America great (or at least pretty good), but at the DNC? It takes an odd mix of political awareness, greed, and shamelessness to sell unlicensed Barack Obama dolls, but on the other hand, neat! Barack Obama dolls! These are going right next to our Al Gore Dolls.

5. People holding signs for non-candidates

Hillary Clinton is a savvy politician, there’s no denying that, but one thing she isn’t is the Democratic nominee. No amount of wishful thinking or sign-toting will change that, so please come back into the reality with the rest of us. Oh, and don’t even think about breaking out your Lyndon LaRouche sign.

6. Hypocrites galore

Just outside the DNC, a group of angry protesters chanted “Fuck Fox News” and ejected Fox correspondent Griff Jenkins from the scene. Whatever you may feel about Fox News, everyone in the mob saw fit to exercise their right to freedom of speech, and at the same time felt no compunction about denying the journalist his. It is this blend of loudness, political tunnel vision, and complete lack of a sense of irony that makes the perfect protester.