BuzzStoc

We’ve all heard the stories, nay, the legends of Chuck Norris. Some say their is a hidden third fist in his beard. Others believe that when he plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. Still others believe his pulse is measured on the richter scale. All of these are true. The world has never seen a greater action hero than Chuck Norris, but it’s a shame that he is only one man (although some believe he is actually an army of thousands of unstoppable Norris-bots). In any case, our thirst for Norris-style ass-stompings has not been quelled. In fact, we would have liked to have seen him whale on more than just drug dealers and terrorists. Why not robots, monsters, and just plain assholes? In that spirit, we present this list of 80s movie villains Chuck Norris should have fought but never did.

Sho Nuff (The Last Dragon)

Let me hear you say “Who’s the baddest?” Sho Nuff! Yes, Sho Nuff is pretty badass, what with the killer karate moves, the sweet red Chuck Taylors and fur coat he wears, and the ominous glowing. Oh, and let’s not forget his posse. It’s safe to assume his crew of karate lackeys are a collection of his victims, but could he punk Chuck Norris as easily?

Who Would Win?

Verdict: Chuck Norris, hands down. Most soft red glows are usually related to some sort of indicator light, and Sho Nuff’s glow could certainly be seen as an ass-beating early warning system. As soon as Chuck Norris sees Sho Nuff begins to glow, he would kick him in the face, strap him down, shove the plug of an extension chord up his ass, and use him to power the Christmas lights on his house.

Gordon Gecko (Wall Street)

Gordon Gecko was not an action villain, but he did ruin lives, rape and pillage, and generally acted like a giant Wall Street prick. Though not much in a fight, with a phone call Gordon could destroy you financially and still have the wherewithal to joke about it with his country club chums over racquetball. So what happens when Wall Street runs afoul of a true Texas Ranger?

Who Would Win?

The verdict: Chuck Norris. We can already see the scene: Gordon Gecko has been up to his insider trading tricks again, and someone has to stop him. Suddenly, Chuck Norris busts into the room with his eye turned all the way up to tiger. “Hey Gecko,” he would say, “how’s this for a hostile takeover?” Then vault over the desk, pick up Gordon (imported leather chair and all) and throw him out the window.

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)

Though the entity’s real name is Gozer the Gozarian, it had no physical form, and thus manifested itself as a giant version of the mascot for Stay Puft marshmallows. As we all know, there is nothing more menacing than sugary treats on the rampage. Still, this specimen of branding run amok threatened to destroy all of New York City.

Who Would Win?

The verdict: Chuck Norris. Chuck would come in hot with a flurry of flying fists and feet, but he’d soon find them completely ineffective against the plaint, elastic marshmallow flesh of the monster. He’d then realize that his opponent is completely edible… but you can’t have dessert before dinner. Chuck would hail a cab, head to the nearest steakhouse, eat about 15 cows worth of steak and a single glass of Cabernet, then come back to consume the Marshmallow Man’s entire, 27-ton body. Someone get this man a mint.

ED-209 (Robocop)

ED-209 was the fully robotic law enforcement unit that went berserk and began killing even the most minor offenders, pumping even jaywalkers full of lead with a gattling gun. Robocop got pretty banged up taking this machine down, and he had to throw it off a building to do so. How well would Chuck do.

Who would win?

The verdict: Chuck Norris. Although ED-209 has no obvious weak points, it also has nothing to fight Chuck Norris with. ED-209 comes armed with bullets, bombs, and flamethrowers (probably), but it it a well-known fact that Chuck Norris’s beard is bulletproof, blastproof, and flame retardant. If you don’t believe it, just watch any of the Delta Force movies. In any case, he would just wait until ED-209 unloaded all of its ammo on him, then proceed to take it apart screw by screw using only his fingernails.

Jason Voorhies (Friday the 13th Series)

Jason Voories is the unstoppable murderer from the Friday the 13th movies. Not one for speeches, Jason let his machete do all the talking. However, it mainly spoke to horny and stupid teenagers, and usually it told them to die. How would Chuck Norris reply to that?

Who Would Win?

The verdict: Tie. Yes, tie. Jason is by definition unbeatable, as he will always rise again after being killed. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, is the very incarnation of unlimited ass-kicking, as he will always kick your ass again if you break the law. Their fight would rage on into infinity, continuing long after the decline of man, the burning out of the sun, and even the implosion of the universe several billion years from now. Maybe it’s for the best that these two eternal champions never met.